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Matt

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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2015|03:36 am]
Matt
I haven't used this in a couple years, but lately I've been getting the urge to write again. A couple months ago, I was digging through some old boxes (which has been happening a lot lately, I'll get to that in another entry) when I came across several small notepads. Most were blank, a few had doodles from my childhood. But one, a dinosaur notepad, stood out from the rest.

It was a journal of sorts, written in my trademark sloppy handwriting. There were only a few entries, but they provided a window into my mind for a few months during a very rough period of my life. The entries were from around 1990, when my parents moved us from our home on the outskirts of the northeast side of the city, to a suburb even further out to the northeast. Moving is never easy on kids, but I think young children and teens have it a lot easier than kids in the 10-12 age group where I was.

To say I had a tough time making friends would be a massive understatement. The one friend I did make turned out to be a manipulative, backstabbing liar, and although he made my life miserable, he was all I had until I was about 13.

It wasn't so much what I wrote, but the act of reading these nearly illegible entries flipped some kind of switch in my mind, and brought a lot of those feelings flooding back. Not so much specific incidents, but the general feeling of that era. Rejection, exclusion, loneliness, hopelessness... These had all been buried for decades, and here they were once again.

A few days later, I found yet another set of journal entries, this time from high school. They were for a lame class project where I was supposed to "write about my day" every day for the entire school year. That would be easy, except that it was an assignment that had to be turned in, and I don't think I need to explain that only a small percentage of what's on the mind of a teenager is really fit for handing in to the teacher. I mean hell, look at all the teens that get in trouble over the shit they post online these days! Aside from access to better technology, the teens of today are no different from the way I was, but in my case I wasn't about to share any of that with my teacher.

So those entries are as boring as possible and hopelessly generic. "I was almost late for the bus today. It rained all the way to school." That's basically what they all consist of. Even so, once again the feelings came flooding back. And as before, the experience wasn't exactly positive. High school was better than junior high and middle school, but it still wasn't easy.

But in both cases, I worked through... whatever the hell it was that it dredged up. I get it, I'm damaged. Hell, when I read back at my entries on here from a decade ago, I can't help but laugh at how messed up I sound. It's a wonder I found anyone on here to take me seriously back then, but perhaps they were all just as damaged as I was? I don't know. I do know that there was one person, a female, who I freaked out pretty bad. I thought she was a cool person and I remember her telling me where she worked, and one day I decided to stop by and say hello in person. Bad idea, I know... She reacted about how you'd expect, and I don't blame her. Not that she'll ever read this, but I'm sorry for being a fucking weirdo. Like those entries in that dinosaur notepad, I was a sad and lonely kid. I meant no harm, but you had no way of knowing that. Anyway, again I'm sorry.

So where am I going with all of this mental vomit? Like I said, I think I'm going to start writing again. After reading those old entries, I wish I had even more written material for who I was during that time. And while I can't go back in time, one thing I can do is write about the here and now. 36 may not be as interesting of an age as 10-12, age 16, or even the mid 20s of my early LJ writings, but it's something.
linkmake a move

(no subject) [Jan. 31st, 2013|12:51 am]
Matt
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still not entirely sure what to do. I'm going to have to make a decision sooner or later. the fact that I even have to make a decision in the first place upsets me. Why at my age am I still having to deal with this crap anyway?

linkmake a move

(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2013|11:49 pm]
Matt
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Honestly, I just want things to be normal. That is all. Now I know you can get into the argument about how there is no normal, but I think in this case there is. I also think that we have the furthest thing from it.

 

linkmake a move

(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2013|03:37 am]
Matt
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Not really sure what to do...

linkmake a move

(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2013|04:00 am]
Matt
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I find it somewhat amusing that there appear to be only two of my friends active on LiveJournal still. one of them I brought here and both of them are among the nicest people I know. I love you both!

link3 illegal ninja moves from the government|make a move

(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2013|03:55 am]
Matt
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link1 illegal ninja move from the government|make a move

(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2013|03:54 am]
Matt
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I just... don't even know.

linkmake a move

(no subject) [Dec. 31st, 2012|12:29 am]
Matt
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Nearing my wits end. I almost made it through the holidays but who knows how much longer I can keep this up. It's the girlfriend again... I still love her, I don't see that ever changing but I don't know how much more I can handle.

 

Being a relationship with her is like trying to make it through a mine field. have you ever played the Windows game minesweeper on the highest possible settings? I would consider that easy compared to trying to navigate a conversation with my girlfriend.

 

Again it's not that I don't love her, I do, but I just don't see how much more of this I can take. I have to watch everything I say and do because the slightest thing will set her off.

 

linkmake a move

Never tell a lie, it might come true... [Aug. 25th, 2012|02:19 pm]
Matt

Today was the head start release day of Guild Wars 2, a game I've waited a good 5 years to play. Incidentally, I actually learned about the original many years ago right here on LJ, as my good friend Kim was playing the beta and constantly posting screenshots.  But I digress...

 

Needless to say, I was really wanting to geek out and play the game all day, so when a friend called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out with him all day and drink, I had to come up with an excuse.  Normally I enjoy spending time with him, he's an old friend and most of what we do involves sitting around with beers, talking about the good old days.

 

But he's also the type of person to totally bust my balls if I tell him I'm staying in so I can play a computer game.  I gave him the excuse that I had family stuff going on today, so I couldn't hang out.  Problem solved, game on, right? 

 

Not 15 minutes later, I get another call, this one from my parents, reminding me that I was supposed to see my grandfather today, for the first time since my grandmothers funeral. Oops? I suddenly remembered commiting to this weeks ago.  Not that I didnt want to see him, I do, but I had to laugh that my little white lie had suddenly become the honest truth. 

 

Moral of the story kids, is don't lie.  Although in this case, it wouldnt be bad if I had lied about being a rock star or having lots of money.  Hmm...

linkmake a move

(no subject) [Aug. 11th, 2012|11:07 pm]
Matt
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[Current Location |null, Moorings Dr, 839]


so i'm almost at my wits end here.  i love my girlfriend, that much is 100% true, but lately she is making it harder and harder for me.  she says she is going to get help, and maybe she will, but in the back of my mind i wonder just how much good it is going to do.

 

over the past several months, she has begun to expect some very unrealistic things from me, while at the same time not even fulfilling the most basic expectations of a relationship.  i know she wasn't like this when we met, so why does she act like this now? i try to talk about it with her, but if i bring it up she just cries.

 

i know she's gone through a lot as of late, and she doesn't exactly have the same resilient personality that i do, which is a big part of the reason why i'm still here for her and havent left yet.  even so, i wonder just how long i can weather this storm before i'll break as well.

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